have you ever felt like what you do its not worth it? i hope you dont, but its a common feeling. it comes and goes from time to time, but gets more intense everytime it comes back
i cant help but feel helpless, maybe we find out someday that we werent meant for something, and its a very frustrating feeling, but sometimes it leads us to a better path
it gets even sadder when you have spent a good portion of your time on that stuff, only to find out the problem of why nothing works is at your core
i've been feeling frustrated with music
its common to feel frustrated with the stuff you do, one teacher once told me that youre supposed to get hurt when making art, he didnt lie
all of that frustration comes from feeling unable to create something, sure i know how to make stuff, theres just something that doesnt let me do it, at least no the way i want
that thing is probably me, i fail once and blame myself for all the other attempts, its a vicious cycle
but i thought that was the only thing, maybe after fixing myself that shit wouldve start to work, i would start to make things the way i want to
of course, that only made things worse
when i got "better", i started to feel a little more confident, i thought that was good at first, but this feeling only made things worse. i focused all my attention on the thing that is making me frustrated, creating.
this focus on creating and art made my relationships go down the drain
at this point i dont even get why shit is so bad with my friends and my gf, maybe they actually do miss me, but the only thing keeping me interested was making fucking music and art
that shit is addictive, you feel like a god when you create something, its a feeling so good that it actually got me lol
anyway, things are falling apart, and its so bad i start to crawl inside my little shell (again), it was so bad that it now makes me feel like a nasty monster when talking about my feelings, maybe thats why i write this goddamn site. maybe its some hope that someone can read this and talk to me, if you dont know me please dont.
so now im tumbling down, my relationships are ASS (its not their fault), i cant create and feel like shit, wow thats a great view, let me quick save
but one day i got an epiffany, maybe i wasnt made for arts
art is something really personal, we can keep debating forever what is and isnt art. well, i didnt consider my work art in any way, and it really wasnt
you have to like arts, concepts, feelings, abstract things and overcome the feeling of corniness. thats the stuff ive never been into. thats what lacks
im a mechanical person, as mechanic as an ai can be. sometimes i like to turn my brain off and do stuff, thats what happened when i made music. but arts is something that you should be invested on, you should know what youre doing and not just expect things to sound good while doing things randomly. i just... wasnt built for arts
when you realize that, it hurts, for the whole time, without even knowing, ive been doing this just for the kick and the validation i got from doing this stuff. i needed that, i needed people to talk about that stuff so bad i actually started doing it just for the feeling when someone compliments my work
but that hurted the way i worked. if it werent meant for me in the first place lol
so, what happens now? im gonna go and do the basics i should be doing everyday, not worth trying to do something outside my reach and limited brain
ive never said this to anyone, but i actually envy my girlfriend in some way. she may not do it directly or have a lot of skill on things, but she has an understanding for arts and abstract thing my tiny little smooth brain just cant even grasp upon. and it makes me envious. it hurts me knowing that its not her but only my fault. i envy her view of the world and meaning of things. im really tired of seeing everything in black and white
im sorry lis if i never gave that much attention to what you had to show me or say, know that i always think about it
im tired of trying, i talked so much about doing this or that, because it excited me, that i never did a single thing ive said id do, nver in my life i did something ive planned
i dont know what to say to people anymore
now i just want to crawl on my little shell and stay there, forget everything ive ever done and act like it was all a fever dream, but i know its not going to be like that, i know ill start to hurt and want to that stuff again, and thats what makes me the saddest
i dont wanna die, at least not kill myself, but sometimes it feels like the only solution to this dillema, but im scared of even talking about it, some people dont really like this topic
its hard to ask for help when youve been so absent from everything for so long, i feel like i cant ask for help from my friends anymore, when i try i get some bad faces or ugly responses, i dont even judge them because its only fair after what ive made
im sorry to disapoint anyone that even had some hope that id do something one day, maybe my guitar teacher, he really put in the hope, i feel like shit now
im sorry for my whining, hope you didnt read this thing since its just a teen complaining
i hope your day/night goes well
dont give up ok? ;D